Lately, sleep has been something that is not that popular with Luke and I. He gets up anywhere from one to three times a night. Then, he is up by 6 am. This started when Jack began Kindergarten. I never expected the transition for Luke to be harder than with Jack. With lack of sleep, I have time to start really examining stuff that is going on in my life.

It is amazing how Satan can take the simplest thing like lack of sleep and begin to fill your mind with doubts and fears. Over the past week, I’ve been busy planning and conducting training with our CBS leaders’ council. Every night, I revisit the fear that I am not good enough for this job. I keep seeing this picture that everyone will realize I am a sham and not right for this position. We talk about God equipping us, and we pray that He will use us as He sees fit. However, the fear keeps coming back night after night.

I read something inspiring in Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest” (btw – I highly recommend this book for anyone who enjoys a shorter daily devotional on days when you are unsure how much time you will have in the morning…like when you have a child wake up before 6 am and want to sit in your lap while you do your quiet time and continues to ask you to turn on cartoons… 😀 ) The topic was faith being tested. He states that “[f]aith must be tested, because it can only be turned into a personal possession only through conflict”. Conflict, internal or external, exists to continual test and grow your faith.

We must have confidence that Jesus will never waver from our side. Chambers says it best when he proclaims that “[f]aith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that He will not stand by us”. As I read this, I feel a peace that transforms my internal conflict into supreme joy. How can I question my purpose in a role that God specifically placed me in? He WILL always stand by me. This isn’t to say that I won’t mess up or make a bad decision. I will see that each event that occurs will grow me in my position and closer to God.

It is hard…I won’t lie. At times, I tend to not give God the credit He deserves. I listen to Satan’s hypnotic, twisted words and question my purpose. However, God always “works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 1:3